Shame

30 Jul 2006 2:43 (Edited: 30 Jul 2006 2:43)

I woke up kinda depressed today. I dreamt I had a girl who loved me and wanted to stay by my side. That's all it was... a dream. I've read that dreams can represent a part of your personality you've repressed, and that's trying to get out. I think there's some truth to that. Some dreams are random. But some seem to stick with you. Those seem to be the ones that represent a deep unconscious longing, long since forced out of the waking mind. A strong part of me wants to have someone to cry with, go to movies with, and to embrace. That sounds corny, like a line from a bad Valentine's Day poem written by a jock trying to score with his girlfriend. It's the truth though. What some of you take for granted, others would kill for. I've never embraced someone I love, outside of my family. I am the proverbial nice guy. Not perfect, full of flaws, but generally kind and selfless. I can come off as cocky in the forums, and in real life. I'm highly intelligent, always quoting statisitics and studies, but a lot of it's just a facade. I hide behind a shield of sarcasm and knowledge, scared to show the vulnerabilities we all possess: fear, self doubt, pride, and envy. No those aren't villains from Full Metal Alchemist, they're attributes which make up all humans. Those same vulnerabilities are our greatest strength. Without fear, we wouldn't know when to flee or look out for danger. Without self doubt, people would never question themselves, and not look at issues from all sides. Without pride, there'd be no motivation to work or better yourself. Without envy, there'd be no admiration of other people's accomplishments, and no reason to strive for your own. For a long time, it was like fighting an invisible enemy, an enemy called shame. Shame based people live their lives by the same pattern, never realizing it. It's a very valid subject, which goes unaddressed by the media at large. If you know the pattern, you can learn to fight it, and to control potentially volatile situations. Shame based people are highly critical of themselves and others, stubborn, perfectionists, and prone to substance abuse. Up until a year and a half ago, that was me. I learned that I was shame based, and had been living my life making the same damning choices. Imagine if someone showed you a script for all your life decisions, and it was right 80% of the time. That's what being a shame based person is about. You doom yourself to the same miserable decisions, without knowing it. The harder you try to fight it, the more shame-based you become. Shame is intergenerational. If your parents were shame-based, you will be to. It's a cruel, unending cycle which goes unoticed. Almost all my friends and family are shame based. When they tell me about failed relationships, jobs, etc, they can't see the pattern. I see it plain as day, but I can't say anything, not until they're ready. Facing the fact you've lived your life according to a very predicatable, self-defeating pattern is hard to accept, especially for a reasonably intelligent individual. I've battled against shame, I certainly haven't won yet, but there's hope. It's probably a battle I'll never win completely. I feel like my personality is split, the old shame based me vs the new, human me. Having overcome shame, alcoholism, and marijuana addiction, I feel pretty strong. In spite of all that, I'm very much alone. When I have dreams about being in love, it's a cruel stab at my self esteem. I know damn well that I'll meet a girl in time, I'm a nice, good looking guy. This past semester, I really liked a girl who ended up having someone, and having a girl like me that I wasn't interested in. That's progress. Despite constant rejection, I'm not scared to feel. Being free of that shame, I'm allowed to feel emotions again. I can be the guy who cried when Aeris died in FFVII, at the end of FFX, or at the end of RahXephon. I might still cry when I feel really alone. To you that might sound pathetic. To me, it signals hope- hope that one day, love might be more than just a dream.

List of my blog entries

• Where to Find Me on the WWW (02 Jan 2007)
• If You're Not a Mod, Don't Act Like One. (05 Aug 2006)
• 99 and Feeling Fine (23 Mar 2006)
• F**k Valentines Day (09 Feb 2006)
• State of Afterdawn (29 Jan 2006)
• The Death of the Console RPG (17 Jan 2006)

User comments

• by Pspness @ 01 Aug 2006 23:04

  That was deeeep man. Hoo Rah

• by svtstang @ 18 Aug 2006 4:23

  WOW Tok, I dont even know what to say to that man. You could reach a lot of people with that ability of expression, I felt that. That shit made me think about my life....only time I usually do that is when Im on hallucinogins! Things will work out in the end bro.
  
  PS - I cried when Aeris died also, dont tell anybody!

Post your comment

In order to post your comments here, you need be logged in to our system. Simply follow this link in order to login and to post your comments here.