Trying to make it through each day....

25 Oct 2008 17:40 (Edited: 25 Oct 2008 17:40)

I'm falling apart in every way....How do I know? I'm wasting time writing a goddam BLOG instead of more important tasks....Like schoolwork, or games....

I like to take long walks in spare time, all the way to a nice green creek about four or five kilometers away. Sometimes I don't get time in the day, so it'll be nine or ten at night when I go there, just in time for the nighttime mosquitoes and other critters. I just sit there, listen to the water flow along, and....think. It helps clear my head of all the stresses being a 15 year old in these hard years. Everybody I know, schoolmates, teammates, even close, personal, lifelong friends, seems to be addicted to something. Be it marijuana, alcohol, or just sex or masturbation, it seems like I'm the only decent person in the whole city. Except for one person, but he's gay. It really gets on my nerves, that I'm forced to take lower-level courses because they couldn't get enough people to come up with me and the gay kid. So I go there and think.....Maybe I have it all wrong....Maybe they understand, better than me, that life is too short for things like success. Maybe, in this capitalist and socialist world, the gifted are burdened with carrying the weight of the lazy. I do my work, I get to places on time, and yet...in 100 years, we'll all be in the same place, 6 feet under. In retrospect, 100 years isn't all that long. Maybe I should join them.....

Come to think of it, what is beyond death? Being Christian-turned-Atheist, I have no idea. A paradise where we all live on clouds seems too like Disney, but just ending....If you think hard about it, that doesn't make sense either. It seems that the question of life is the same as the question of the Universe ever stopping anywhere. Does it go for eternity, or does it end? What is beyond the end? I think hard and long about it, and come up with this conclusion: Since dead people cannot come back to life, we can't ask them what happens after death, and since space is so immense, growing exponentially every day, placing incomprehensible distances between objects, we will never know the answer. But think of this: If space ends, what is on the other side? Is existence itself expanding to accommodate the universe? How could the initial mass exist to cause the Big Bang? How can anything exist? Is there some superficial force, an all-seeing God, if you will, controlling everything? It's best to not think of it....I'm losing control...Spiralling down....I can't bring myself to think about life after death any longer....I get up off my tree stump, and begin the long walk home, hoping to get at least a few hours sleep before school the next day....I need to get up soon, I was late the other day.....Fuck, waking up is one of the hardest things in life to do.

Tags: addict  addicted  alcohol  city  courses  dead  decent  gay  great  life  marijuana  one  only  questions  school  seriou 

User comments

• by CKhaleel @ 15 Mar 2009 20:14

  your atheist now?

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