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Emotional Abuse checklist.

(31 Aug 2006 19:03)

The emotionally abusive person can be very good at creating an external image for public consumption of being a supportive, loving spouse or partner, while using the most extreme measures of the control freak to bully their targets into passive helplessness or fear of the consequences of escaping. Endured over years, it can often lead to Stockholm syndrome, where the abused person knows they are being abused, and yet tries to convince themselves that it isn�t so bad, even though they are hurt and unhappy, they can still endure more and the abuser isn�t really that bad, even as the abuse continues to escalate. It is easier to hide emotional abuse because there are no visible physical injuries, but the damage done is just as damaging if not more so. Because it does not require physical strength, it is often the weapon of choice of women against men, who have the added disadvantage of feeling completely unable to counter it without being seen as the �bad guy�. The woman can spin the most beautiful loving fa�ade for her public image and be brutally destructive in private and the outside world will have no clue.

Together, these behaviors tear down the target�s feeling of self worth and create an atmosphere of powerlessness that make it easier for the abuser to continue abusing and harder for the target to believe there is any viable alternative for him. They are the same sorts of dehumanization techniques commonly used to abuse prisoners in wars and prisons. By destroying the equal footing on which all adult couple relationships should be based on, the abuser has betrayed the one he/she claims to love and forfeited any rightful claim to be loved back, yet they use force, humiliation, surveillance and guilt to demand it.

These are tactics that do not have a legitimate place in any healthy loving relationship and are signs that the person using them is an emotional abuser. Whether they are used in a dating relationship, a couple living together or a marriage, they are warning signs that the relationship is severely dysfunctional and the abuser should not be allowed to continue doing them.

Your partner orders you around, makes decisions without you, and demands for you do to things his/her way.

Your opinions are negated and dismissed.

Your partner is cold to you. S/he is not supportive, loving, or respectful.

Your partner is jealous, tells you you are lucky they love you because no one else would put up with you, discourages or monitors your talking with friends/family. Their jealousy and need to control you is cited as a proof of their love for you.

They check up on and try to spy on you constantly. You have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with, and why you are going to do something with him/her before you can do them.

He/she always insist on going everywhere with you.

Your partner refuses to let you work, makes problems for you at work, takes your paycheck, or hides your keys.

She/he insists on making all of the financial decisions.

Basic needs like medical and dental care for you are denied or postponed while luxuries, like their pets or hobbies are paid for.

He/she has problems with your success. Or they publicly make a very big deal out of how much they love you and how proud they are of you while privately trying to hold you back from it and doing everything they can to prevent it.

It is always your fault. �I have to do or have this or that thing because you don�t _______.� �If only you would ___ or ___ everything would be fine, so it�s your fault.�

You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them.

They use emotional manipulation. They are nice to you just often enough to keep you hoping if you only tried harder, things could be ok. Outbursts of extreme anger, punishment or the silent treatment are often followed by either blaming you or extra nice behavior and promises that things will be better again.

They force you into a position of financial and emotional dependence, to make sure you fear the consequences of leaving too much to try it.

Any one of these is inexcusable. Together, they are tragedy no person should ever have to live with.

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Traveling sucks for musicians now

(22 Aug 2006 18:19)

There is no way a serious musician would trust his instrument to the cargo hold. Those people have no idea how to be careful with them. This sucks.
Josi

Instruments, players separated by air security rules By Mike Collett-White
Tue Aug 22, 1:26 PM ET

Musicians flying to and from Britain are being forced to put delicate and valuable instruments into aircraft holds, and one U.S. orchestra canceled its tour after new security measures were imposed.

The British Musicians' Union said Tuesday that rules introduced this month after a suspected plot to blow up aircraft between Britain and the United States could have a "devastating impact."

"Many artists, who generate significant income when working abroad, are having their livelihoods threatened by being unable to take their instruments onto an aircraft as hand luggage," said the union's assistant general secretary Horace Trubridge.

He said replacement costs for an instrument in excess of 30,000 pounds ($57,000) were "not uncommon."

The New York-based Orchestra of St. Luke's called off its tour of Britain three days after the alleged plot was uncovered.

Other groups, including the Philadelphia Orchestra and Minnesota Orchestra, flew but with some difficulty.

Scott Chamberlain, spokesman for Minnesota, said around 20 musicians who would normally carry their instruments on board, including violinists and cellists, had been forced to pack them.

"There might have been some reluctance, but at the same time there was grudging acceptance," he said.

RUSSIANS FLY

Russia's Bolshoi orchestra, in Britain when new restrictions were imposed, flew home Sunday, but not before protracted negotiations between the tour's organizers and musicians.

"There were several days of quite intense negotiations with the musicians," said tour spokeswoman Faith Wilson. "The plan at one time was to truck them overland."

Orchestra members had to pack their instruments and stow them rather than take them on board as hand luggage.

"It's a problem for all visiting orchestras, whether they are coming or going into this country," Wilson said. "Some musicians have very valuable violins, for instance. I believe a condition of the insurance is they are carried by the musician."

Violin duo Marc Ramirez and Olivia Hajioff told the BBC they hoped to return to the United States from Europe Sunday.

"Our violins are extremely valuable and delicate. There is no way that we, or any other serious musician, could consider putting them in the hold. This means that we would have to return home without our instruments indefinitely."

And violinist and conductor Pinchas Zukerman told the New York Times recently that security officials had asked him to remove the strings of his rare Guarneri del Gesu violin.

"I've had unbelievable discussions at certain airports," he said, while waiting at Atlanta airport.

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Great news! LA now has no country music radio stations!

(19 Aug 2006 12:58)

Los Angeles's last country music station is now off the air! [ link ]

L.A. loses lone country music station By GILLIAN FLACCUS, Associated Press Writer
Fri Aug 18, 7:43 PM ET

LOS ANGELES - There is a tear in the beer of country music fans here. After more than 20 years on the air, the city's only country music station, KZLA-FM, abruptly left the air Thursday and was seamlessly replaced with the rhythmic pop of "Movin' 93.9," which plays artists such as Beyonce, Janet Jackson and Jennifer Lopez.

KZLA's sudden and unannounced demise leaves America's two most populous cities, Los Angeles and New York, without country music stations.

In Los Angeles, longtime country fans and station employees wondered at the logic of ending country radio in their city, which ranks in the top two for country album sales and where concerts for big-name country artists repeatedly sell out. The station's last day coincided with opening night of Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's "Soul II Soul" concert. All three nights of their tour stop in LA were sold out.

"Country is certainly well represented in product sales there and it gets good concert stops," said Victor Sansone, chairman of the board of the Nashville-based Country Music Association. "That station's been country for a barrel of years. When you have that kind of equity, you don't think they're going to flip it. I don't get it."

The transition by Emmis Communications was swift and shocking for listeners, who heard George Strait and Keith Urban in the morning and Pink and the Black Eyed Peas by lunchtime. Even the station's veteran morning crew, including Peter Tilden, didn't know of the format change until just minutes before it happened.

The host of the midmorning show, Shawn Parr, said he was told just after he started his shift that the station would be changing styles. He queued up Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry" at 10:18 a.m., which segued into the Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get It Started" seven minutes later. Then he left the air.

"It's a bitter pill to swallow. The thing I have a hard time with is the listeners. They deserve more than that," said Parr, who has long been the voice of television's Academy of Country Music Awards. "I went to my e-mail 3 1/2 hours later and I had 2,100 e-mails. My phone has not stopped ringing for 24 hours."

Val Maki, vice president of Emmis Communications' radio division, said the format change was a "better business decision despite what a wonderful station KZLA was."

Maki said KZLA, located close to the ACM offices, ranked 20th among the 80 radio stations in Los Angeles and attracted about 550,000 listeners a week. The new station will target women between 25 and 54, a demographic where KZLA ranked 19th in the market, she said. Emmis has hired legendary Los Angeles disc jockey Rick Dees to run the morning show and he will begin after Labor Day, Maki said.

"This could very well be a market leader," she said of Movin' 93.9. "It looks really good, and based on our early feedback, it sounds good."

For most country fans, however, the switch didn't sit well.

Erik Olson, a 22-year-old barn manager at Circle K Horse Rentals in Glendale, got out of his truck for a few minutes Thursday morning to drop off a horse. When he hopped back in, the radio was blaring Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean."

"I got back in my truck and they weren't there anymore. I called my wife and said, `What the hell's going on? They've changed their format," said Olson, who has listened to KZLA since he was a child. "It looks like I'm going to have to go to satellite radio to get my country, although I don't want to."

LA residents can still listen to country on KZLA's streaming Internet or on HD Radio. Some fans who live on the fringes of Los Angeles County may be able to pick up two other country stations, KFRG-FM or KHAY-FM, from their bases in neighboring counties at least 60 miles away. At least two-thirds of the cars in LA can receive a signal from KFRG, said operations manager Lee Douglas.

Those stations have received hundreds of calls and e-mails from orphaned KZLA listeners, station managers said.

___

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communication and real character

(12 Aug 2006 12:38)

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
Maureen Dowd, in 'New York Times'

We are taught to be humble, to not make waves, to compromise and take turns. It helps, on the playground and to some extent in real life, in the prevention of total anarchy. No relationship, whether it be business, friendship or romantic could survive without compromise. But those of us who played the nicest and bent over the most to avoid conflict can find themselves misunderstood and sorely lacking everything we want and need to be happy in life. Learning to stand up for oneself, to believe in oneself enough to endure temporary pain to gain much greater happiness is a difficult thing to do. It is especially difficult when you have to do it to someone who has assumed they could call the shots for years. You want to be free. But the prospect is frightening.

Meanwhile, because you let them have their way so long, they are coming from the assumption that what they were doing was ok with you. They are genuinely surprised and hurt when they find out just how severe the hurt has been. Both sides bear responsibility for the hurt. There are no perfect solutions in life, nor blameless people. The aquiesence was done in an attempt to avoid being hurt even more, but in doing so, it gave them tacit approval to continue and escalate the very things that made the situation worse and worse. Never compromising would have doomed the relationship from the start. This is why open, respectful, frequent communication and a willingness to listen to each other is the absolutely most critical skill in any relationship of any kind. Any time that communication goes only one way, trouble can happen. If one person feels that their opinions do not matter, if they are not heard and given equal weight in decision making, they will build up an increasingly unbearable load of resentment as more and more of their life goes out of their control. Both sides in a love relationship must work to create an atmosphere in which they feel comfortable enough to not be afraid to bare their hearts and thoughts to each other as well as their bodies. You don't do that very long if you feel that every time you do, you will be criticized, put down, told why you are always wrong and told what to think. It is only natural for someone to build protective walls around themselves in such a situation. The habit of making sure there is a fair, respectful balance in the relationship has to start early on and be constantly maintaned if one wants it to remain healthy.

The tragedy is that sometimes they try so hard to save the relationship by one sidedly protecting themselves instead of demanding more respect for themselves that the dysfunctional imbalance becomes worse and worse over the years and the relationship becomes more and more unbearable and unfixable. As one's self esteem plummets, they feel so undeserving that they start to think that this is the best they can ever hope for, especially if they are being told that. Something like that could only have been fixed early on, before it became a years long habit with both people. After years and years, the pain inflicted is too great, the habits too ingrained, the love, dead.

When the fear of conflict is the only thing keeping people together, it is a tragedy for both. The chance to move on, to start anew with someone else with whom one can build a solid foundation of strong communication and respect from the start, is one that those who have already been through the experience know is worth facing one's fears to do. Those reaching that point can either decide to reach into their hearts and remember that however hurt they feel now, this was someone they did love, and still care about enough to let go peacefully, or they can make their last days together an absolute armageddon. It says a lot about the character of the person who can choose the first option.

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I'm proud of her.

(05 Aug 2006 5:53)

I am so proud of my daughter. As parents, we carry them, we hold their little hands and if we are doing it right, we give our kids the tools they need to handle life and successively more responsibility to use them on their own, so they don�t arrive at adulthood unprepared and immature. We do it as we do everything, imperfectly because we are human and still learning ourselves. But there are moments when the unexpected occurs and they handle it with grace and maturity and you have to smile with pride.

As Elizabeth prepared to go on her trip to Europe, we got to know many of the kids from other cities and schools who were going to be on her trip with her. Although she was one of the youngest ones in her group, she also was going in with more real life skills. Because some of them were from much wealthier families, the idea that they would have to be able to pack everything they needed for three weeks into one suitcase and one carryon was causing some of those kids great stress. They worried because they were going to have to wash their own clothes. One girl wanted to pay the boys to carry her luggage. She was informed everyone carries her own. None of this was the least bit of an issue for Elizabeth. Where she really showed her maturity, though was in the way she handled the unexpected.

When the bank did not deliver her ATM card before the trip, as promised, she left with a little over $200 and the promise that we�d FedEx the card to her hotel as soon as it arrived. The actual trip and her meals were fully paid for, but she was going to need spending money for snacks, bottled water, souvenirs, all of those extras. Well, neither Western Union nor FedEx were able to get more money or the card to her in Italy, so she carefully budgeted her spending money until FedEx delivered her ATM card to her in Switzerland.

The actual trip was wonderful and other than that one temporary hangup, went very well for her. She has had a wonderful experience. Yesterday the group flew home from Paris to LA. Since I have cousins in the Slovak Republic, we had decided that she would go visit them instead of coming home with the group. We arranged permission for her to leave the group and fly to London, where she would meet my mom and sister, who were flying in from LA. They would then fly together to Vienna, where my cousin would pick them up. Well, my mom and sister�s plane sat on the runway in LA over two hours on Thursday night before the flight was cancelled and they were put up in hotels overnight to then be put on a Friday flight. So Elizabeth had to fly to London from Paris, find the other airline�s wing of the terminal, check in and fly to Vienna all by herself. Although there was an hour scheduled between the flights, her first plane ran late and she had twenty minutes to cross the entire Heathrow terminal and get her connecting flight. She did it. My cousin met her in Vienna and they called me from Bratislava yesterday. I am so proud of my girl. She is 15. She handled all of this with so much grace and maturity.

Yeah kid, I love you. Big hugs.

[ Comments: 1 | Post comments ]

August 2006

Emotional Abuse checklist.

self sabotage

aim high

bonds

Stifled creativity, freed .

quote

Traveling sucks for musicians now

quotes

Great news! LA now has no country music radio stations!

Yess!! sanity prevails!

quote

communication and real character

I'm proud of her.


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