AfterDawn.com: User profiles: Deepskystarlight: Blog archive

Teaching humor

(27 Jul 2007 20:17)

Hey it may be summer but some of us are still teaching. There's summer school and then there are the schools on year round schedules... so I am still working.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER ?

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one
belongs to the child out of line.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words "It's Ms/Mr. _________"
and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time
or another.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.

6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct
times of the day: lunch and prep period .

7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you
can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in
the classroom.

8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a
margarita machine.

9. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 7
to 3 and have summers off."

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.

11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says "Boy,
the kids sure are mellow today."

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their
behavior when you are out in public.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own
children.

17. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least
five items!

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was
a "good choice or a bad choice."

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened
pencils

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way
after meeting his or her parents.
_____________________________________
World History

The History Of The World According To Actual Grade School Student Exam Papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah,"

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse
divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

________________________________________

The Joy of Teaching

Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain; and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice, for great is your reward in heaven."
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said, "I don't have any paper!"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"
And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus,
"Where are your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.

_______________________________________

New Excuses: These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 29, 29, 30, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she was sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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new milestone, special photo

(02 Jul 2007 17:25)

I'm so proud of JJ. It was a privilege to once again spend time with such a truly beautiful and talented human being. No one else I know combines amazing technical skill with such feel for making the music live in and through him in everything he does, with and without his guitars. He's also such a fun, kind and caring person.
Every time we're together, the time goes way too fast, but it's priceless and I try to find locations as special as he is that fit the guitars we are photographing him with. This guitar is, like JJ, a very unique instrument. It's a Moser Spawn, one of only 30 that will ever be made in this shape. He and I fell in love with this design last year when we discovered it and it was on my gift list for him but he got one last fall before I finished saving up the money for it. That one has a flat finish on top. The opportunity came up now for him to buy this one, with a beautiful glossy top and I knew something this special needed a very dramatic backdrop. My artwork often has multiple levels of meaning in it and I looked for a location that would provide strong visual as well as conceptual ties to the guitar. I found it in downtown LA at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, one of architect Frank Ghery's most famous buildings. Like the guitar, the geometry is dramatic, curvy, pointy and beautifully powerful. The shiny black and silver surfaces echo the metal surfaces of the building's exterior and just like the guitar, the interior is made of acoustically superior woods. Ghery interprets the classical music hall in a daringly unconventional style and pulls it off with brilliant artistic integrity. Moser takes the art of guitar making to supreme levels of musical quality while creating dramatically bold works of art and JJ gives everything he plays, whether it be a top 40 club gig, his awesome metal shredding or anything else his own great touch. The multiple meanings of a "metal music building" appealed to me. As someone who had many years of classical music training and is a great fan of a wide variety of musical styles, I understand the tensions and intertwined influences the various styles have had on each other and the shared roots in music theory as well as the shared ongoing human desire to express oneself through new kinds of sound. The technical and artistic quality of the best rock and metal musicians (not necessarily the most commercial ones) requires levels of skills and knowledge every bit as advanced and steeped in music theory as the most advanced classical musicians and takes the same levels of practice. In his architecture, Ghery was not just using motifs he's used in other buildings before, but also reflecting attitudes of composers on both sides of the divide that refuse to stay bounded by neat little stylistic labels; modern "classical" composers who are feely borrowing all sorts of instruments and sounds from the electrornic world, and rockers who, having not only used, but invented many effects themselves, explore the pallettes of sound available by adding traditional instruments and scalar modes, creating something totally new. LA with its fertile mixtures of cultures and openness to new ideas is the perfect place for creativity and this was the perfect spot to celebrate in a photo all that is good about this and to celebrate another milestone by someone whose gifts shine so brightly when in this environment.

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July 2007

Teaching humor

new milestone, special photo